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One day

Hey... If you are reading this.
You probably are married with someone else or maybe I am the one who's married with someone else. Or maybe you didn't even get a chance of reading this. Why I said that? Maybe years already passed by.
Because for the time being I'm writing this, you wouldn't know that I will be here writing something again. Am I right?
I can't believe myself either that I am here again after I've moved on and deleted most of the posts about you.
And please know too that right at this moment, I'm writing this because I am at my worst now.
I have no one to talk to about this, and whatever I'm writing here is everything that I supposed to tell you that night after the festival but it just couldn't come out.

First and foremost, I just want to let you know that, it is very difficult for me to let go of you.
I've never been facing anything like this before in my entire life. And I am still figuring out why is that so.
I left the office that we used to work together a year ago is because I can't bare to see you every damn day and knowing that we are no longer together. I've missed you so bad. And I can't do anything about it since you already have someone else at that moment.

After I left, I've been struggling to forget you, I'd do whatever it takes to forget you. I just wish I can run away from here. But unfortunately it seems like luck is not my side.
I've found a job somewhere around April last year and I really love being there. It makes me forget you for a time being. And I bet you noticed that I've deleted your number, my instagram account and created a new one just to forget everything that happened to us.

You know that I used to saw your car once, parked there downstairs at my office building.
My heart, it stopped.. I just can't believe I saw that, tho. Why are you here? And why do I get to see it?
I know you are having your facial there but how I wish that it's not on the day that I was around.
Then, I just ignored the fact that you are nearby.

You know what's the best part? Once, I was on my way back from work, I took the same highway that everyone have to take from kl to pj and from pj to kl, thousands maybe millions of cars passing by there, but I've got a chance to bumped into your car on the other side while I was on my way back to kl and you are on the way back to pj. I'm seriously saw your car, you know why? Because every freaking times I've seen a car with the same color of yours, I'll look at their plates number just to make sure that it is you. Or maybe it's just a habit of me that can't get over you. I'm surprised for that coincidence.

That night after the festival, you've asked me whether have I already moved on. 
I did. If not, I wouldn't quit the job, deleted my instagram account and created a new one just because you are there and I had most of the post in there about us.

I've been dating few girls. Long distance and short distance but all of them gave up on me.
They couldn't stand the fact that deep down in my heart I still hoping that we will get back to together, that I am still madly in love with you. How do they know that? Because when I'm with them, there's a few times I paused for a while and not being there because I've been seeing you somewhere on my mind. I can see you everywhere. Even with someone else that I supposed to give my love towards them.
It's unfair for those girls that treated me so well and it is best that they gave up and cut me off.
I don't want to give any false hopes to anyone.

Remember I used to tell you what I was dreaming about?
During my wedding day, I've asked that girl to go back home first without me. And I sat there all alone, thinking about how regretting I am to made that decision knowing that I'm still deeply in love with you. It actually haunting me up until now.

Most of my friends been asking me why don't I have any girlfriend.
And I just said that I don't feel like to have one at the moment. I can be just friends with them, hanging out with them but I've stopped dating them. More like a casual hang out. I can't do more than that.

After almost 2 years we broke up, I decided to text you on new year eve just to wish you well.
And I still remember that after almost 2 years not seeing you, I've got a chance to meet you again in one of the cafes in Uptown. We had a chat. You still gave me butterflies, as the same way how you did from our first ever date. And you just look perfectly beautiful as the way you used to be years ago.

And surprisingly along the way, I've found myself started to get attached to you again, even tho I've already stopped doing that. It happened when I had an car accident. I straight away texted you and told you that I had an accident, we talked, you called me. Try to soothe me down. Following up on what's happening after that. Thanks for the care, tho. I'd really appreciate that.

From there on, we started to get closer and closer. We contacted each other when we are in needs.
And after so long that I've never went to your residence, I've got a chance to be there again.
It happened when I was asking for a help about collecting my car from the workshop, still remember?
Wow.... after so long. I was there again.

It's quite funny the fact that the more I want to runaway from you, the more closer I get to you.
I started to realize this when I've gotten a job offer nearby your residences area.
I was cursing all the way there. Been questioned about why it has to be there.
So again, I have to take the exact same way where I used to passed by to pick you up from home.
My futsal court is somewhere around there, my football training is somewhere around there.
It hurts you know, every damn day. It does really hurts.
But days goes by, I've already get used to it.

The next day after the festival end, I broke down into tears just right after I dropped you at your place.
A quite bad one, but not as bad as 2 years back. I still can managed this time.
After so long I've moved on and accepting the fact that I have to take the same exact way to go back home and go to work, it started all over again. I started to think about you while I'm on my way using that road.
How can the same thing happened to me twice? How can I get a chance to see that you are calling someone else with the word that you used to call me? How can I get a chance to know that someone else is with you and making you happy? I was doing just fine before that but after what I saw, I am really not doing fine. Until right at this moment. I can't sleep. Every times I'm awake, I'm thinking about how can someone else making you happy on the other hands. Why do I have to feel the same way all over again? After all the difficulty that I've been through just to forget what just happened and moved on. Why?

I'm not okay. I am really not okay. I just don't want to get the idea on how other guys can make you happy and you dating them. That's the reason behind why I didn't accept your following request on my Instagram.
I know you didn't post anything about that person but I just don't like the ideas you know what I meant?
I'm sorry for doing that. But I just can't.
If one day you are really gonna get married with someone else and being really happy with your life.
I can bear to hear but I can't bear to watch. But it doesn't means that I don't want to see you happy, I always pray for your happiness in life. I just can't bear to look at it that the fact someone else is in your life making you happy, sharing all those moments with you and not me.
I hope you understand.

If you are with someone now, I just wish that I don't know anything about it.
I just don't want to know because it does hurts.
You see, twice. Whenever I'm all alone, broke down into tears, you are with someone else.
That doesn't means that you are bad person but it's a fact.
Well, you deserve to be happy and you are allowed to date anyone that you want. 
But why am I always on the losing side?
You know, if my life wouldn't be this difficult and I already have everything that I need in life, in my family, I've already get to marry you years ago. But I couldn't.. because I'm always on the losing side.

I just want to spend the rest of my life with you, you know that well.
But there's always a boundaries between us. And along the way that you wasn't there with me.
I've learnt more things, getting more mature and being ready to met your family.
But again, the only thing here is I am always on the losing side.

During the festival, I just can't let you be in trouble. While you were struggling in the mud, when you were so cold so I just can't help it but to wrap your body with my jacket, when you forgot your belongings and also your entrance tag to the fest, making me wants to protect you more you know. I just want to hold you, I just want to be your knight in shining armor with his horse.
But I can't be, I'm just a hopeless shepherd boy who can just see his princess from far far away.

I've been wondering something, you were saying that you are cool with hanging out with your ex which is me to a festival, you are super open. But don't you know that we are still in love with each other?
We are. We still do have a strong feelings towards each others.
Don't you scared of getting the ideas that we gonna missing each other after the festival? And with the memories we have spent there for 2 days? I've been thinking about that too. But I was so desperate and knowing that we have the same interests, and I just be bold to invite you to the fest.
Without thinking about the consequences.

You know, I've never go extra miles for other girls, but with you, I did.
I did most of the things that I've never done with anyone else. And never regret doing it.
Everything we had, is beautiful.

After we broke up, and suffered for the heart break, I pray to God.
I've asked, if she's not the one for me, please... I'm begging You, distance myself from her and distance herself from me. If she is really the one for me, then unite us, make us the most happiest humans being on earth on with your blessings.

I'm still waiting for what's going to happened next. But the more I try to runaway from you, the more closer I am to you, and the more closer I am to you, the more suffocating I get due to a heartbreak.

You might not seeing me anymore after this. And I will not getting in touch with you as frequent as before hence knowing that you are with someone else.
Maybe this will take years again, and that is why maybe while you're reading this..
We already are spending the rest of our life with someone else not with each other.
This is not anyone's fault. Don't blame yourself after reading this.
And I hope that we will never regret with whatever we have chose in our life.

Sometimes, I have this kind of thought that, I want to run away from everything and have a life with you without thinking about other things. Something just like whatever vacation we had, our little adventure. I just want to stay in that moment with you, forever.

If someone can only interpret how deepest my love towards you.
Only God knows.

Love, Ish.

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I want you to know ...

What are these feelings that I've felt? Why it's so hurts when hurting you? Why? Why am I hurts so bad to see you hurts? Why am I crying right now? Why am I so weak right now? What have you done to me? What are we? What are these feelings? Can you answer me? I needed an answer. I need a clear answer that came out from your mouth. Who am I to you? Why did I seems really matter to you? Or am I the only one who felt like that? Am I clapping with my one hands? I miss you. I don't know why. But it seems I really fucking miss you. I felt like wan't to give you a hug. I needed that. I want to hug you so bad, a very comfy one, a very tight one, and I want to cry on your shoulder. Can I? Is it possible to happens? Too many question in my mind. I'm afraid. Yes I'm a coward. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid that I was expecting too much. I'm afraid that I'll lose you. I'm afraid of falling. I don't want to lose you. You really matter to me. I care about you so much more than you can think. It's not something that I don't want to tell you. It's just something that I'm not ready to tell you yet. I need your time, your attention, I need you. It's not like you have to stick with me for the rest of the times, no. Just be there when I needed you. Just being there is more than enough. Please understands me. I need you to understands. I need you to give and takes. I need your shoulder as well. not just your ears that you've to lend for me. I'm afraid it wont be enough. I'm really sorry that I'd hurt you. I'm really sorry for making you feel bad. I'm so sorry for letting you down. If you can know how sorry I am. It's not what I wanted to be. I'm so sorry. I missed you. So bad.

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I'd notice about almost everything

You remember? When you ask me, what do I noticed about?
Here we go.
I noticed about almost every little thing of you, what you'd do.

I know, sushi's making you happy.
I know, being in a book store will calm you down when you're upset.
You're not so into sweet chocs.
You're more into a dark chocs.
You're someone workaholic.
You're someone who's not gonna giving in easily.
You're someone who won't get satisfied until you have what you seeks for.
Like a question.
As long the answer is not in your pocket, till then you're not will satisfied and wanted to know that answer so bad.
You're not someone that picky.
What in front of you, you'll grab it, as long you love it.
You loves veggies so much.
Especially onion.
You're not a horror movie film fans.
And... I'd do noticed.
Got one day in the train, when we sit,
You was looking at my hair.
I saw in on the mirror :3
Muehehe :'D

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